Monday, June 10, 2013
Taking control of Destiny
As far back as I can remember, I felt different, on the outside of those around me. I had a lot of fears and doubts. I was diagnosed with Depression at the age of twelve. I was hospitalized then due to suicidal ideations. I was prescribed psychiatric medication and sent home after three months of being in a psychiatric ward. But I continued to feel inner turmoil. As I grew from a child to an adult I did all society expected of me. And I did it well above average. School, career, etc. But I wasn't content. I continued battling with Depression and then drug addiction. "Why," I asked myself, "is this it? Is this how life is suposed to be?" I felt unfulfilled despite a high-dollar career. I questioned my very existence. What was wrong with me? Why did I always feel like something was missing. I realised that something was missing. As a trained researcher I began researching, questing for an answer. Something that would fill the hold in my soul. I had tried filling that hole with a lot of things: a career, men, drugs. Nothing quenched my thirst. In utter frustration I screamed out to the universe, to God "If there is something out there that can help me give me a sign!" I was pissed! But my screams were heard! I had been involuntarily commited to a psychiatric ward, my greatest fear had manifested: to be utterly alone. Locked away, physically, spiritually and mentally. I lay on the cold hard floor of the ward, praying, begging for an end to my existence. Then a voice spoke to me saying, "You will live. It's not over for you, you are loved." The goddess held me in her arms. I called her "mamma", you know her by the name The Morrigan.